Stop Worrying About What Others Think Of You

Do not fear to be eccentric in opinion, for every opinion now accepted was once eccentric." - Bertrand Russell I’m guilty of it. You are, too. We’re hardwired to care what others think about us. The only exceptions are sociopaths. We’re born with the instinct, and both benefit from it and suffer its drawbacks. On the one hand, caring about others’ opinions helps us to distinguish between behaviors that are appropriate and inappropriate. For example, if those nearby stand to their feet when an individual enters the room, we’re inclined to follow suit. It’s human nature. On the other hand, seeking approval from others can hinder us from growing - both professionally and personally. For example, suppose you’re in a meeting and your coworkers are hesitant to express their ideas. If you follow their lead, you’ll remain silent and go unnoticed. If you give voice to your ideas - that is, you “go against the herd” - you’ll gain the attention of the person (or persons) managing the meeting. Assuming your ideas are insightful, such attention could benefit your career. Most of us spend a considerable portion of our waking hours worrying about whether our peers - coworkers, friends and family members - approve of our decisions and actions. In some cases, we aim to impress them. In other cases, we fear looking foolish or eccentric in front of them. Unfortunately, doing so holds us back. Rather than taking risks in order to achieve our goals, we become more inclined to accept the status quo. Consequently, we inhibit our growth. The Chinese philosopher Lao Tzu once said “care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner.” Reflect on times when you refused to act without the tacit approval of your peers. Chances are, you benefited little from your inaction. On the contrary, you probably missed out on valuable opportunities. The first step toward change is to identify the level of influence others’ opinions have over you. All of us suffer from this ingrained habit. But some of us do so to a much greater extent than others. It’s important to know the extent to which this habit affects your life. Ask yourself the following questions: Do I frequently remain closemouthed due to fear concerning what my peers might think of me? Do I often think people are angry with me when, in fact, they are not? Do I find myself doing things I dislike in order to gain the approval of friends and family members? Do I keep my distance from people who I suspect don’t like me? Do I have trouble making decisions? If you answered yes to any of the above questions, you’re caught in a trap. You care too much about others’ opinions about you, and are likely missing great opportunities to grow professionally and personally. Today, your goal is to detach yourself from this self-sabotaging habit. Rather than seeking peer approval for your actions, decisions and ambitions, you’ll develop confidence in yourself. Before we get to today’s action steps, let’s talk briefly about how worrying about others’ opinions diminishes your productivity.

 How This Bad Habit Hurts Your Productivity 

I’ve already mentioned some of the ways seeking others’ approval for your decisions and actions can impede your growth. Let’s revisit them in the context of how they compromise your ability to get things done. First, concerning yourself about what others think makes you less likely to take risks and try new things. That, in turn, prevents you from expanding your knowledge, adding to your skill set and testing new ways to complete projects more efficiently. Instead, as noted above, you remain content with the status quo. Second, you miss out on opportunities. Those opportunities might include receiving a promotion that allows you to delegate tasks to others. Or you might be given a chance to manage high-value projects with more exposure to senior staff members. That would allow you to see the bigger picture and make connections with people who can help your career. If you fail to act due to how you imagine others will perceive you, such opportunities might never surface. Third, you start to feel resentment over missed opportunities. You’re aware of the overt influence others’ opinions have over you. You recognize that your concerns are holding you back. They’re preventing you from enjoying the benefits of taking action. Being aware of that fact can cause you to begrudge your peers. It can even lead to self-loathing as you realize your timidity is impeding your growth. Fourth, like all habits, the practice of seeking others’ approval reinforces itself. It becomes more deeply rooted each time you do it. As a result, you never manage to develop the confidence you need to act without first receiving validation from others. These side effects harm your ability to work productively. Your need for implicit approval trumps the motivation to proactively improve your work processes. Let’s make a positive change. Here are seven action steps you can take, starting today, to break the habit.

Action Steps 

1. Realize you’re not everyone else’s top priority. Chances are, most of the people you’re worried about aren’t devoting as much time and attention to your decisions as you imagine. As author David Foster Wallace once said, “You’ll worry less about what people think about you when you realize how seldom they do.”

2. Identify the people whose opinions should matter to you. For example, your boss’s sentiments are likely more valuable than a coworker’s who has no experience with the type of project you’re working on.

3. Thicken your skin. Look for opportunities to attract feedback and criticism. For example, start a blog and express controversial opinions. Volunteer to speak in front of a tough audience. At first, others’ disapproval will seem jarring. It might even be heartbreaking. But the more disapproval you receive, the thicker your skin will grow. Eventually, you’ll be able to dismiss others’ opinions or grow from them. Forming this habit takes time and repeated exposure. Keep in mind, consistent application is crucial when adopting any new behavioral pattern. So be patient with yourself.

4. Reevaluate your goals and their respective priorities in your life. Write them down in the order of their importance. This simple practice is often enough to put others’ opinions in perspective. For example, suppose you want to start a business. It’s a top priority in your life. Sadly, your friends don’t support your aspirations. They believe you shouldn’t waste your time since the failure rate with new businesses is so high. Write your goal of starting a business at the top of your list. Include a few notes concerning how you hope the new business will change your circumstances. With your goal listed prominently at the top of your list, you’ll be less influenced by your friends’ doom-and-gloom advice.

 5. Identify three people who inspire you. Reflect on their lives whenever you face criticism - implicit or otherwise - from your peers. For example, one of my inspirations is Mahatma Gandhi. He received criticism and adversity from all corners. Yet, he pressed on, spurred by his convictions. When I confront others’ disapproval, I reflect on Gandhi’s life. Do likewise with your own collection of individuals who inspire you.

6. Realize criticism often reflects self-perceived deficits in the critic. Many people attack the ideas and decisions of others out of self-loathing or general unhappiness about their own lives. There is nothing you can do about that. Protect yourself and dismiss their opinions.

 7. Remind yourself of the worst possible outcome of taking action. We often consider inaction to be safe and taking action to represent risk. If we act, bad things might happen. But this fear is almost always misplaced. The worst case scenario that plays over and over in our minds is a gross exaggeration of reality. It is highly unlikely to come to pass. Don’t let fear stop you from taking action. Get into the habit of ignoring it and pressing on according to your convictions.