Stop Feeling Sorry For Yourself

Self-pity is easily the most destructive of the non-pharmaceutical narcotics; it is addictive, gives momentary pleasure and separates the victim from reality.” - John Gardner, Secretary of Health, Education and Welfare under President Lyndon Johnson Bad things happen to all of us. How we respond to such things defines us and dictates our effectiveness in everything we do. Many people respond to unpleasant circumstances by feeling sorry for themselves. Doing so gives them comfort. It also provides a source of attention and validation from others, both of which fill the gap left by a low self-image. Others respond by taking steps to learn from their mistakes (if any) and change their situation. Rather than feeling sorry for themselves, they try to determine the cause of their misfortune so they can enjoy better results down the road. Then, they formulate a plan for rising above their current state. For example, suppose you lose your job. You have two options. First, you can lament your situation and cry “why do these things always happen to me?” Or you could evaluate the reasons you lost your job. That way, you can improve areas in your professional life in which you’re lacking. Then, start looking for a new position. The latter approach gives you more control over your life. While self-pity turns you into a (self-perceived) victim of fate, embracing your personal responsibility and making positive changes puts you in the driver’s seat. Are you inclined to feel sorry for yourself when things don’t go your way? Do you secretly hope things go wrong because you know others will pay attention to you? Have you ever said to yourself that life is unfair? If so, you’re allowing self-pity to hold you back. It’s preventing you from accomplishing your goals, including maintaining a high level of productivity - both in your personal and professional life.

How This Bad Habit Hurts Your Productivity 

A victim mentality - the tendency to feel sorry for yourself - hinders your productivity in four ways. First, when you view everything through the lens of how life is unfair, you learn to never take responsibility for your actions and decisions. That gives you implicit permission to blame others for your misfortune. Consequently, you never take the time to improve your work habits because you see yourself as never being in control. (We discussed this false chain of reasoning in Day 17). Second, wallowing in self-pity sets the stage for discouragement and depression. It may initially feel good since it attracts attention and validation from others. But it reinforces the false notion that you are a victim of circumstance. You eventually convince yourself that you’re a magnet for adversity with no means to avoid it. Third, it stunts your self-confidence. You begin to see yourself as being unable to overcome obstacles or work in a manner that prevents them. As a result, you become averse to risk, preferring instead to stay within your comfort zone. That ultimately curbs your professional and personal growth. You’re left working on the same mundane tasks day after day, leading to boredom and stress, and increasing the risk of burnout. Fourth, self-pity is self-perpetuating. The more you hold onto it, the more it festers and becomes part of your identity. It eventually informs every decision you make. There’s a better way. Here are eight action steps to help you abandon the tendency toward self-pity and reclaim the reins of your productivity.

 Action Steps 

1. Identify actions that indicate a penchant for self-pity. Once you recognize them, you can actively short-circuit them and break the pattern of feeling sorry for yourself. Our actions condition us. They form self-reinforcing patterns of behavior. And the more often they’re expressed, the more ingrained they become as habits. This Action Step attempts to wear down the pattern of self-pity and lay the groundwork for developing better habits in its place.

 2. Acknowledge your role in making decisions and taking actions that lead to unpleasant situations. Take personal responsibility for your circumstances. We covered this in detail in Day 17. For example, suppose your auto insurer raises your premiums after you receive a number of speeding tickets. Rather than seeing yourself as a hapless victim of your insurer’s greed, acknowledge that you chose, more than once, to break the speed limit. Once you own your decisions and actions, you’ll be empowered to make changes that can effect better outcomes.

3. Create a list of things for which you’re grateful. Place it somewhere within your reach, such as in front of your computer. When you start to feel like a victim of circumstance, review the list to remind yourself of your good fortune. Gratitude is the sworn enemy of self-pity. When you reflect on the things that make your life better - for example, a roof over your head, food on your table and a loving family - you become less inclined to feel sorry for yourself.

4. Create a list of things you can change or influence. It will contradict your penchant for feeling like a victim. When you notice the first signs of self-pity, review the list to remind yourself of the level of influence you wield. Your list will be longer than you imagine. That’s the reason to create it. The types of items you add to your list will depend on your circumstances. For example, if you’re a financial planner, you dictate your level of professionalism and breadth of knowledge about various investment vehicles. If you’re a freelance web designer, you influence your rates and whether you turn in projects on time. If you’re a college student, you determine the amount of time you spend studying for exams. Once you recognize how much influence you have over your circumstances, you can dismantle the victim mentality that plagues you.

5. Realize that life isn’t fair. One of the reasons people feel sorry for themselves is because they feel they’re not given the same opportunities as others. But that perception is based on the fallacy that life should be equitable for everyone. Life isn’t fair. Some people are born to riches while others are born in abject poverty. Some people seem naturally talented at everything they do while others seem hopelessly inept. Let go of the notion that life should be fair.

 6. Instead of assigning blame for undesired outcomes, look for opportunities to make a positive change in your life. It’s by evaluating our lives and making calculated changes that we improve our circumstances. When something goes wrong in your life, resist the temptation to point your finger at another person. Instead, consider how your actions may have contributed to your current predicament. Then, brainstorm ways to do things differently next time.

 7. Stop comparing yourself to other people. Self-pity needs a baseline. It needs a yardstick. Otherwise, it has no power. For example, you might feel sorry for yourself because your neighbor has a larger home than you. Or your coworker received a larger raise than you. Or your friend’s children are better-behaved than your children. Stop focusing on others’ advantages in life. There is no way to know their circumstances. Moreover, by breaking the habit, you’ll dilute the power of self-pity and feel less a victim.

8. Improve your self-esteem. Have confidence in your skills and knowledge. That confidence will serve as a barrier against self-pity. How do you build self-esteem? Following are a few ideas you can take action on immediately: Take on a new hobby, ideally one that encourages you to spend time with other people. Start exercising and following a healthy diet. Remind yourself of your core competencies are areas of expertise. Volunteer for charity work. Pick a new skill and learn to master it. Silence your inner critic. Acknowledge mistakes with the intention of improving yourself. Smile at strangers. There are hundreds, if not thousands, of simple ways you can improve your self-esteem. Pick a few and watch how they boost your confidence and improve your outlook on life. Then, watch as your new confidence and outlook stimulate your productivity.